I don't even know how to describe the last few months, only to say that they were transformative in so many different ways. I lost a lot of things, but as time moves on, I seem to be gaining even more things to replace them. I lost my husband, my house, and most of my belongings. I lost all of my money. I lost what I thought was my independence, only to discover that what I had was not even independence at all, as I am finally learning what real independence is.
I've learned that sometimes the people we have known the longest will disappoint us the most in life. Maybe that is only because we allow them to, but I haven't really figured this out yet...
I am still cleaning up the mess that J left behind when he abandoned our house and marriage. I still have a pile of bills to catch up on and no idea how I'm going to make that work. I did terribly in school this summer - I got one A, one B and one D. My first D, and only my third B. I have been beating myself up for that so much already and am just trying to do the best I can to accept it now. So my GPA dropped from the solid 3.98 I had earlier this year to a mere 3.86. Ouch. I'm kicking myself for probably losing my chances at Harvard, Stanford, and probably Berkeley too. My extracurriculars aren't that strong and I was hoping my grades and a good LSAT would do a lot for me with those schools. To make things worse, I have only just begun studying for my LSATs with any kind of regularity and the test is next month. I tried all summer but I couldn't concentrate on anything with everything hanging over my head as it was. I'm still going to look at Stanford and Berkeley Law, but I've also visited Loyola (in LA) and have visits planned to USD, USC and UCLA. When I'm up north I'll also try UC Davis and UC Hastings. I may even visit McGeorge in case I bomb the LSAT, and because they do have a good international law program from what I hear.
So these days I am visiting law schools, catching up on studying for the LSAT, and generally trying to remember how to live life again. I'm writing this post from Charlie's house down in so cal, where I've been trying to find that balance again. Besides all of the aforementioned responsibilities, I've also been on vacation! I laid out on the beach. I've been shopping. I have slept in late. I've tried to figure out this strange world of dating. I still have a lot to get through: I have the divorce to finalize, bills to straighten out, financial aid that is again delayed, and I need to find a place to live, amongst other things. But, at the same time, I am finally starting to feel a little less defeatist about my life. I've given up on the idea of completing my minor in law and legal studies and am just concentrating on finishing my major in the next two terms. I've stopped hating my ex for what he did and have accepted that this is just another bump in the road of life.
I have so much more that I want to ramble on about, mostly more about school and about how utterly confusing dating is in general. And even friendship! Ack! But this is for another post, another time, because I can't sit here all day as much as I might like to.
I'll try and catch up soon, I promise.