making mountains from molehills

Lately, it seems I have gotten into the habit of turning every little problem into a great big catastrophe. To put it mildly, I have developed a tendency to overreact. I think a big part of it is situational--winter season has not started yet in California so I am not working yet and all I have to do is sit around the house and dwell on things. I have been watching a lot of TV and trying to get some decent reading time in, but mostly I find that I spend a lot of time planning for the future and stressing out. So when something minor goes wrong, I tend to spend a lot of time dwelling on it because I have nothing but time right now. 

Image Source: know your meme

Prime example: the dry desert air has been doing a real number on my contact lenses. My eyes have been getting dry and I feel like a film of dust has collected on my eyeballs. It is annoying to say the least and my vision has suffered for it. I had one last pair of contact lenses saved up but hadn't wanted to put them in because putting in my last pair means I need to order another box and I didn't want to do that until we had more income coming in. Finally, after a near-blind drive to the Redbox kiosk late last night, I decided I needed to bite the bullet and change my damn contacts. Fast-forward to this afternoon... I am searching high and low for my contacts and they are nowhere to be found. I call my mom and ask her to search around her house since I had stayed there for awhile mid-move. She looked everywhere but found nothing. I asked my boyfriend if I had maybe packed them with some of his stuff and he responded with "what do they even look like?" No help there. I searched all the toiletry boxes. I scoured the linen closet. I went to the garage and looked through all the pockets in our suitcases. I tipped shoes over and shook, hoping my contacts would come flying out. I looked everywhere. Eventually, I threw in the towel. I let my frustration get the best of me and was thisclose to a foot-stomping tantrum moment. I let my negativity take over and started feeling like no matter what I do, something is destined to go wrong.

And then I wandered into my closet for the umpteenth time and my eyes settled on a gift box on the tippity-top shelf. I pulled it down and shook it, but it felt like only the tissue paper was inside. I opened it anyway and lo and behold, there were the elusive contact lenses, nestled between tissue paper and an abandoned store receipt.

Next came apologies to my mother for ranting about how much I hate life and grateful thank you's that she took the time to look. Eventually I will have to enter the man cave and tell my other half that I am sorry for my almost-tantrum over my stupid contacts, but I haven't quite worked up the courage yet. Its possible that he didn't even notice, although I suspect he hides in the man cave because he does notice when I start feeling defeated.

Of course, now that my eyes are feeling somewhat fresher and the crisis is averted (new box of contacts is currently in the mail, just in case), I feel kind of silly. I've been feeling that way a lot lately but yet I still keep freaking out over little things. I mean, I do have legitimate things to stress out over (if there is such a thing), but I really shouldn't let that carry over to the tiny things that frankly don't matter much at all. I just haven't quite figured out a way to keep calm. I hope blogging again will help, but I am open to exploring other options as well and hopefully I will eventually be able to mellow out.

What helps you to keep calm when life gets stressful?

coming home

Somehow, I have found myself once again in California. I guess you can take the girl out of California, but you can't take the California out of the girl? Does that work for this place?

With my latest love, I have moved from state to state, to state...to state. We have been nomads of sorts, searching for the right place where we felt like we could stick around and have something resembling a life. It has been a bit of a bumpy road and while it has not been for nothing, we are both tired. And we both wanted to come home.

So, here we are. Back to where we both started. We are going to give things a go here in California and see what happens. This time, though, we have settled in the desert. It's funny how, as we moved around, we have been almost everywhere. We went from metro area to college town, then from downtown to remote mountain life, later to a summer resort town by the lake, and now we are in the desert. We almost went our separate ways, to mountains here and there, but for some reason we ended up together yet again and I would like to believe it is for a reason.

This, my friends, is the joshua tree in our front yard. I had no idea what a joshua tree even was before now. But hey--you live, you learn, right?

What's in your front yard?

giving it the ol' college try

I am trying one last time to do this blogging thing. I don't know if I'll manage to keep it up this time but I am stubborn and I just can't let this thing die.

I think of my Writing 121 professor that told me that even if I didn't stick with school, I had to promise to write every day. I have not been doing very well with that promise.

I think of how many hours I lose every time I find my stack of old paper journals and notes written to my junior high besties, folded into little origami shapes, full of life and memories that would be lost if it weren't for their physical presence.

I think of my own mental well-being. It is so much easier to convince myself that I am growing and moving forward in life when I can go back and read where I was a year or three ago--how very lost and confused I was. Writing helps me sort through the jumble of stressors and emotions in my crazy little brain, too. So, it's a good thing!

I think of the people that I have "met" in the blogging world in the past and the huge impact some of them have had on my own life. I would like to think (or hope, even) that my words may make an impression on other people, and that I may be fortunate enough to make some new friends out there.

I think of how much we have to learn from one another, as people. And what better way to share thoughts, ideas, passions, travels, and knowledge than through the internet? Blogs give us a place where we can speak our minds in an unrestricted manner, in a way we might not at dinner with the in-laws, at church, or even at school. That is surely worth something.

So, I am trying once again. Updates to follow on who I am and where I've been, as well as where I'm going and what I hope to find out there in that big bad world.

bathroom sanctuary

Sometimes I feel like the bathroom is the only place where I can truly find peace and quiet in my day.

Sure there are times, especially lately, where I may forego the gossip magazine for a textbook or balance my laptop precariously on a half-open drawer to watch a presentation while I do my human duties. Still, more often than not, I catch up on Facebook via my cell phone or sneak my Kindle in with me to read a quick chapter of some chick lit without feeling guilty.

I think it is extra nice because most people don't want to bother you while you're in the bathroom. In fact, it kind of confuses me when my guy knocks on the door to have a conversation with me while I'm sitting on the toilet. Because if you think about it, who really wants to talk to someone when they are sitting on the john? I mean, is that how you would like to think of your significant other? There are some things better left private if you ask me. If I disappear for five or ten minutes behind a closed bathroom door, there is really no need to ask me what I am doing, is there? Whatever you have to say can wait until I'm done using the toilet, brushing my teeth, searching for grey hairs, or scrutinizing my skin under the harsh fluorescent vanity lights. Right? Right.

Is there anyone else that finds the bathroom to be some strange almost-sanctuary for them or is it just me?

when the past haunts my dreams

Last night I had a really strange dream about my high school crush. In the dream he was visiting me for some reason, although we were both staying with my family in my hometown. At the start of the dream, I remember leaving him hanging out in my room alone while I visited with family and took care of domestic chores. Then dream-me realized that I was being awfully rude in just leaving him shut up in a room all by himself, which I attributed to still being too scared to face him like a normal person even after all these years had passed. So I went back to check on him, found him asleep, and began rubbing his back to wake him up. (I was too scared to talk to him but here I was rubbing his back while he was asleep in my bed? Real logical dream-me...)

Once he woke up, I apologized to him and we hugged it out. Then we talked, about what I don't remember. At one point he kissed me and I guess dream-me was unattached because I definitely let him. It was innocent and sweet and somewhat foreign. He was tentative and gentle and the whole thing was not at all like I would imagine it would have gone down in real life. I remember him asking me if there was a bathtub in the house because apparently he wanted to take a bath with me. All dream-me could think of was 'holy crap, I will have to get naked in front of him!'

When a noise in the house woke real-life-me up this morning, I made myself go back to sleep, wishing that the dream would continue. I don't know why the dream made such an impact on me, or why I even had the dream in the first place. I wasn't thinking about my crush, the past, or anything remotely related. My crush didn't even look like my crush did or does now; somehow I just knew it was supposed to be him. I guess dreams are just funny that way.

Regardless of the complete pointlessness of this dream and the fact that I am at least mildly weirded out that I had it in the first place and even more freaked that I enjoyed it...I now want to facebook stalk this guy. I pretty much want to facebook stalk anyone from high school that I can find now! Does anyone else ever get this urge? Or am I just completely crazy? It's okay, I can take it.

jeep break in

Image source: google images

Apparently someone decided that breaking into my Jeep would be a nice thrill for them. My lovely boyfriend has been using my Jeep to get to work lately since his is out of commission for a bit and called me from in front of the house this afternoon: 

"Did you get in the jeep earlier?"

"No...why?" I am thinking what an odd question this is, obviously. 

"Because I think someone broke in. You'd better come out here." Click. 

What the...? So I, still in sweats after 4pm because I am classy like that, run outside and discover that yes, someone has indeed broken into my jeep. The contents of my glove compartment are strewn all about the passenger seat and floor, but everything else looks fine to me. My boyfriend notices that the GPS is missing and a tiny voice in my head thinks "yay!" because I've been wanting to get a new one, but I feel bad because I am pretty sure he uses that thing for work. They even left the charger cord plugged into the cigarette lighter. Both of our jackets were still in the car, along with my CDs, stereo, and presumably all the boring paperwork I store in the glove box. It didn't even seem like they looked through the center console, which I would have done since there has been no lid on it since I've owned my vehicle. But, I digress. 

I suppose I should have felt violated or something but I have to say I was only mildly annoyed at best. I don't lock my jeep when I park it for the night, or ever really, unless I have something of value in it that I can't take out and store elsewhere. When I am out shopping I'll lock it if I have shopping bags inside because I'm not trying to be completely irresponsible here or anything. Its just that my jeep is old. Like fifteen years old, old. It is not exactly a prime target for theft. Besides, I make it a point not to leave anything in there that I care about. I have known so many people who have locked their cars up tight, only to have a window busted so someone could steal their stereo faceplate or book of CDs. Not my idea of a good time. If you want to rifle through my empty Starbucks cups, pile of fast food napkins I am stockpiling in case of spilled Jamba Juice emergencies, and random pairs of flip flops, go right ahead thieves. Go right ahead.

However, my guy disagrees with my way of doing things. He insists that from now on my jeep will be locked up at night. I got a mini-lecture that I swear included the words "learned your lesson," but I still can't bring myself around to his way of thinking. Sure, I respect the validity of his opinion. I lock his jeep whenever I use it and I am totally okay with that. But my jeep is my jeep and I should be able to do things my way, right? Or not right? He thinks I am off my rocker and keeps telling me that all "normal" people lock their vehicles all the time. I find that hard to believe. So tell me--which side are you on? Any particular reason? I am curious about this one.

I'm baaaack

It's funny how when I have something else that I am supposed to be doing, like writing 20+ pages of research paper, I finally find the time to change my desktop background on my computer, update my web browser, prettify my background on twitter, catch up on facebook, and resurrect my blog, among other successful time-wasting ventures...

My snowboarding season is over and besides being terribly depressed at the thought of waiting months to get back on my board, I've found I suddenly have a lot more free time again. Many of my mountain friends have gone off in search of summer adventures and the rest, well, I guess I'm only cool enough to hang out with when I'm driving to the mountain. ;)

So after finals week is officially over (and I'm not just procrastinating anymore), I'll be back for good. I'll try and clean up unnecessary old posts, maybe redesign the blog, catch you up on my life, and hunker down and read all that I've missed in the last few months. Maybe one day I'll get a routine down and I will be able to keep on top of these things better. We'll see anyway...

In the meantime, I've hidden a lot of the old posts in this blog. I don't really want to get rid of them, because I feel like I would be doing a disservice to myself somehow if i did that. Still, I am not that person anymore and I don't want my depressing past weighing me or any potential new readers down. Things have changed and I am moving right on forward as we all should be. <3

time again?

Over the last month or so I have been toying with the idea of resurrecting this blog. Part of me wants to start a brand new one simply because the me that started this blog is not the me I am today, at all. But I guess it is the past that has made the new me who I am today, and I really ought to recognize that. Skimming over my older entries, I am amazed that I was ever with J in the first place, that I was ever even married at all. I feel so far removed from the life I had a couple of years ago. I don't really know how to describe just how it is that I feel differently now - am I older? wiser? stronger? more realistic? I'm not entirely sure. Maybe some of all of those things.

Since I last updated this blog, my crazy summer came to an end and I emerged from the ashes with a few new life lessons. Not long after, I randomly met a stranger at a bar who ended up teaching me so much more about myself in the following four months than he will probably ever know. I have discovered new hobbies and made new friends. I have worked, I have gone to school, I have chosen different roads to travel towards my goals. I have good days and I have bad days, but most importantly: I am living.

do I even bother...?

Once again I've forgotten about my blog. It seems like a whole lifetime has happened since I last posted. I'm trying to settle into my new life now though, and I'd really like to share it. Maybe in good time... we'll see. ;)

I hope everyone is doing well. <3

another weekend, another plan

I slept in this morning until just before 10:00, and as I was laying there in bed mentally preparing myself for the day, I thought back to how Saturday mornings used to be when I was a kid. My Saturday mornings were pretty typical - I might watch some Saturday morning cartoons, I'd eat an extra bowl of whatever sugar encrusted cereal was around at the time, then I would dart outside to play with the neighborhood kids in the sunshine. Those were the days.

Somehow it seems as if Saturdays have lost their luster. I'm sure this is partially because I am older and, to be honest, have no interest in watching cartoons anymore. If I did, I could watch them whenever I wanted on the Cartoon Network anyway, so it doesn't even matter. Besides that, for some reason when I don't have an 8 to 5 job, weekends aren't so special anymore. They are a lot like my Tuesdays and Thursdays when I don't have class. Sure, now I have two days in a row, but unless I have some activity planned that spans more than 24 hours, who really cares?

For some strange reason when I am here, I wake up on Saturday mornings and feel like I have two days to be as productive as humanly possible, as if my weekends are measured not by how much I enjoy them, but by how much I get done. Maybe this is a by-product of the remorse I feel over so many weekends at my Mom's house wasted in front of the television. Maybe it's just that I can't stand the prospect of being stuck in this place for two entire days straight. I'm not sure what it is.

The sad part is, that I am all talk. I'll wake up Saturday morning and make all these plans for what I intend to get done this weekend, and if I were to sit down on Sunday night and review those goals, I'd be disappointed every time.

This weekend my goals are:

- get all my assigned readings done for school this coming week

- get caught up on homework for my online class

- wash all of my laundry that I haven't done since coming back from vacation

- visit my Grandma

- clean my room (put away all the straggling vacation treasures, clothes, random clutter)

- go to the gym at least once; schedule an appointment with my trainer for later this week

- go to the farmer's market

- get out to see Eliza for at least a few minutes

- copy the CDs in my CD book on to iTunes (necessary since my iPod went missing in LA)

- get caught up on cycle 15 of ANTM

- make guacamole

...annnd that's all I can think of right now. My mom has basically ordered me (in a way only a mother can) to clean her house in the next week or two, so I will hopefully get started on that as well. Mom is bordering on hoarder status, for those of you who don't know, so this will most certainly be a challenge. I can't wait.

my esthetician, my therapist

I cannot believe it has been so long since I was on here swearing to update this blog soon. I can't believe how much has happened since then either.

I went to see my waxer today, and my waxer is like my therapist, only probably more expensive. She always asks me about my life and I always spill my guts to her without thinking twice as if that is the perfectly normal thing to do; she knows more about my personal life than a lot of my friends do. She asked about my vacation and I told her (in a few sentences) how everything went. I told her about the guy who blew me off and the new guy I met who I thought I'd never see after those two weeks we spent together and how he's just said he wants to come visit me in Oregon. I was sure to add that I didn't see that going anywhere because he's not what I need - he is too wild, too short, with too much baggage. And she said to me, as if it were nothing, "we can't help who we fall in love with."

I never said anything about love, but somehow the matter-of-fact way she spoke those words is just sticking with me... can we really not help it? If we can't, then is there some sort of override button for those times when we fall in love with someone we shouldn't? There should be.

transformation

I don't doubt that I will remember this summer for a very long time.

I don't even know how to describe the last few months, only to say that they were transformative in so many different ways. I lost a lot of things, but as time moves on, I seem to be gaining even more things to replace them. I lost my husband, my house, and most of my belongings. I lost all of my money. I lost what I thought was my independence, only to discover that what I had was not even independence at all, as I am finally learning what real independence is.

I've learned that sometimes the people we have known the longest will disappoint us the most in life. Maybe that is only because we allow them to, but I haven't really figured this out yet...

I am still cleaning up the mess that J left behind when he abandoned our house and marriage. I still have a pile of bills to catch up on and no idea how I'm going to make that work. I did terribly in school this summer - I got one A, one B and one D. My first D, and only my third B. I have been beating myself up for that so much already and am just trying to do the best I can to accept it now. So my GPA dropped from the solid 3.98 I had earlier this year to a mere 3.86. Ouch. I'm kicking myself for probably losing my chances at Harvard, Stanford, and probably Berkeley too. My extracurriculars aren't that strong and I was hoping my grades and a good LSAT would do a lot for me with those schools. To make things worse, I have only just begun studying for my LSATs with any kind of regularity and the test is next month. I tried all summer but I couldn't concentrate on anything with everything hanging over my head as it was. I'm still going to look at Stanford and Berkeley Law, but I've also visited Loyola (in LA) and have visits planned to USD, USC and UCLA. When I'm up north I'll also try UC Davis and UC Hastings. I may even visit McGeorge in case I bomb the LSAT, and because they do have a good international law program from what I hear.

So these days I am visiting law schools, catching up on studying for the LSAT, and generally trying to remember how to live life again. I'm writing this post from Charlie's house down in so cal, where I've been trying to find that balance again. Besides all of the aforementioned responsibilities, I've also been on vacation! I laid out on the beach. I've been shopping. I have slept in late. I've tried to figure out this strange world of dating. I still have a lot to get through: I have the divorce to finalize, bills to straighten out, financial aid that is again delayed, and I need to find a place to live, amongst other things. But, at the same time, I am finally starting to feel a little less defeatist about my life. I've given up on the idea of completing my minor in law and legal studies and am just concentrating on finishing my major in the next two terms. I've stopped hating my ex for what he did and have accepted that this is just another bump in the road of life.

I have so much more that I want to ramble on about, mostly more about school and about how utterly confusing dating is in general. And even friendship! Ack! But this is for another post, another time, because I can't sit here all day as much as I might like to.

I'll try and catch up soon, I promise.

a quick hello

These last couple weeks have been somewhat hellish for me and I haven't had time to do the usual things like homework and laundry so, needless to say, I haven't been blogging either. I haven't even been reading my favorite blogs! I am working on playing catch-up now, so expect updates soon! I am thinking of doing a little redesign as well, so we'll see how that goes. And, best of all, I'll be able to read and see what I've been missing out on.

For now, I'll simply say I am alive, my friends and family are still alive, even if not well, and I haven't forgotten about this place. I'm thinking I'll be putting eight to ten hour days in over the next few days at the computer to get reasonably caught up on all the things I need to do, but I'll get there.

xoxo.

wait a minute mr postman

You know what I really miss? postcards! and letters! I miss getting things that aren't bills in the mail! Whatever happened to writing to those that you care about? I am not saying we all need to go out and write our Aunt Gertrude and third-cousin Suzy every week, but what about the people that hold a special place in our hearts that we don't get to see very often? I can't remember the last time I have received an actual, legit, letter via snail mail... I know it has been years. I barely remember the last e-mail I got that was more than five or six lines long that wasn't spam. When my ex was in Iraq, we e-mailed back and forth for awhile, but that was it. And even that was more of a rarity after the first month. Sometimes I will send Facebook messages back and forth with friends, but that is really about it. As for everyone else, it is the era of the text message. Anytime any one of us has something to say, we just shoot off a text and, voila! I suppose it gets the job done, and I am a texting fiend myself, but it just isn't quite the same.

Sure, getting an picture message from someone with a snapshot of a crazy lady in Wal-Mart can be fun. I love that I can see how the weather is at the beach thirty seconds after you have. But none of this compares to that neat feeling you get when you open your mailbox and there's a postcard from a friend, mailed from some podunk town somewhere along their summer road trip. Maybe it is because you know, when you open that postcard or that letter, that that friend had to make an effort to get that to you. He or she had to purchase the postcard or the stationary. Then, there was some writing involved. After that, stamps had to be acquired and your address had to be looked up. Then your friend made a special trip to take the mail to the post office or mailbox, and the postal workers did all kinds of work to bring that piece of paper halfway across the country to you two days later. Writing a letter isn't an afterthought. It's not something you can do while at a stoplight, in line at the grocery store, or, God forbid, on the toilet (yes, I know people who do this).

A few years back, an internet friend of mine proposed that we start some sort of underground mail gang thing. I know he sent me a really awesome letter to start things off, but I don't know if I ever even replied back. I wish I had. I wish we still had pen pals, too! I love technology and all that, but sometimes I feel like it doesn't really bring us together after all, but instead keeps us all a safe distance apart.

I am writing myself a note right now: write letters this week. I know that I won't do it just because I said I would, so let's just say this...if I don't write (and mail!) at least two letters and/or postcards in the next seven days, I will give up Facebook for a week. Okay, at least a weekend. Wish me luck!

hush hush

Have you ever had a good secret that just bubbled up inside of you all day long, dying for you to share it with not just someone, but everyone? The kind of secret that makes it impossible to concentrate on anything else? One that keeps you up at night, yet keeps you going all day long on full speed anyway? A secret that makes it difficult to eat, to work, to concentrate on all of your comparatively unimportant daily tasks? The kind of secret that almost seems to sustain you all on its own?

There is something inherently different about these happy secrets--they seem to have an energy about them that drives you and distracts you and just oozes out of you until you think you're about to go crazy from trying to internalize something so absolutely monumental.

It is like those first-day-of-school jitters, the excitement of an upcoming vacation, the news of a big promotion, and the agony of waiting to be reunited with a lover, all at once.

If you're lucky enough to have one person to share your secret with, you feel like all you can talk about is "the secret." You never tire of discussing your secret ad infinitum, and awaiting the day, together, when your secret is spilled to the rest of the world. You bond over your secret, and talking to anyone else seems unable to satiate your need for human connection anymore, because noone else can give you what your secret-sharer can.

But the question remains to be answered: what is the shelf-life of a secret? When will it start to go stale? Will it cease to be enough and send you looking for something more? If you share your secret, will it be some sort of cathartic release or will the magic of your secret fade away as it is absorbed into the world? Or will a new secret take its place, slipping into your life just as quickly as the first, surprising you with that familiar electrifying energy?

I will be sure to let you know as soon as I find out. ;)

introduction

I created this blog partly because my English Comp teacher said I really should keep writing even though my class with him was over, and partly because I had something to say at this very moment... Only now that I've taken the time to find someplace to write it down, I have completely forgotten what it was that I wanted to say in the first place.

So instead, a disclaimer:
This blog is entitled 'inconsideration.' According to dictionary.com:
in·con·sid·er·ate [in-kuhn-sid-er-it]
–adjective
1.
without due regard for the rights or feelings of others: It was inconsiderate of him to keep us waiting.
2.
acting without consideration; thoughtless; heedless.
3.
overhasty; rash; ill-considered: slovenly, inconsiderate reasoning.

It is likely that I will be inconsiderate of many things when I write here, including your political views, your taste in music, and the rules of grammar and punctuation most certainly. Also, I must mention that my "k" key likes to get stuck and I don't always feel like going back and adding in the missed letters, so please forgive me.

That said, this will probably be one of the few times that I address you, my audience, directly since this blog is more for me than it is for you and I feel awkward writing to an imaginary person anyway. If anyone is reading this, thanks, and please do leave me a comment to say hello =)